Thursday, June 12, 2008

Oh My Uterus

Again, the boy has pissed me off. I realize that I am not very important in his life right now but he could at least follow through and do what he said he would. He did not cut the grass. Now we were at defcon 1 gazillion with the grass and at any minute the grass cutting police....not my cute knight on the lawn mower...but the mean ole grass cutting police, that give you a ticket, police were going to show up at my house. Seriously, I lost the dog the grass was so high.

So what is a self sufficient, bitcher and griper about weak woman, supposed to do when this happens. You got it, they get off their rolly polly ass and cut the grass. I am woman hear me roar or is that just my mower. I went over and borrowed a mower from the neighbor who was very nice and even put gas in it...but did not offer to cut the yard for me, which would have messed with the whole I can do it my self thingy by the way...and off I went.

Umm, do you know grass cutting SUCKS. Do not let people tell you it is fun. It is not. It is fun sitting on the porch watching someone else do it and pointing out that they missed a spot but, trust me on this one, walking behind the belching, roaring, cutting thing is not fun. I even *gasp* broke a sweat. Ok, really, I almost had a stroke because it was so damn hot. I was so red and wheezie that the neighbor did come out and ask me if I was you butt, I am not ok now cut my grass for me while I swoon and cry like a little girl. Of course I was ok, does he not get out there every week and cut his grass. Sure, sure, his face doesn't go all beat red and he doesn't make the wheezing, gasping sounds but that is beside the point.

The point is I cut the grass. I cut all the grass. I did not cheat and only cut the front part that people can see. I even did around the signs and poles and stuff like that which was a little trip to hell and back. I did not even complain about it...not out loud anyway. I was a big girl and I didn't need no stinking man to do it for me *ROAR*

Umm, ready for this one? Did you know that I can get someone to cut my yard for around $100 a month. Did you also know that there is a good chance I can get a kid...not my do it for even less. Wanna know how I know this? Well, you see, after my blood pressure went down and the sweat stopped pouring into my eyes, I made some calls. Actually, I only had to make two calls to get my questions answered. The question being...PLEASE WILL YOU CUT MY GRASS....whatever!! It's hot out and there is dog poop out there and bugs not to mention I sweat like a pig and smell like ass by the time I'm done. Stank de'Ass is so yesterday you know.

Being a tough bitch is over rated. I would much rather be the bossy bitch on the porch, with a glass of tea with lemon, thank you very much, pointing out spots that have been missed!


Old Age

I have always been a bit scatter brained. I have a wee bit of an attention problem and I tend to just lay my stuff down where ever. I have always been one to lock my keys in the car, put the milk in the cabinet or lose my shoes but lately things have been getting worse. The other night I found the ice cream in the fridge and the leftovers in freezer. Now I LOVE ice cream and would never do anything to harm it so the whole in the fridge thing just boggled me.

My worst, at the house, has been when I lost my glass. The other night after dinner I decided to have a glass of wine and watch a movie outside. I took the computer out and lit some candles and watched Zohon...I so lust Adam Sandler. I drank, maybe, half a glass of wine before the bugs were just too bad and I had to move inside. Now since Im lazy I scooped everything up, my computer, a book, my phone and my glass of wine and heading in the house. I headed back to the bedroom and put the computer and book on the bed then went to the basement to dry some clothes. When I came back upstairs, as I was walking through the kitchen I noticed that my wine glass was not on the counter. I thought that was weird because I could have sworn that I put it down as I walked through. I kind of glanced around then headed back to the bedroom.

It was getting late so I pushed the laptop out of the way and moved my book and there it was. My wine glass was in the middle of my bed. That would have been fine but it held a half a glass of wine which was now drenching my covers, sheets and mattress. WHAT THA HELL??? I was confused, I was boggled, I was panicky and yes, I started to cry. What was going on with me? First the ice cream now wine? Was/am I losing my mind? I fretted all night about this.

The more I thought about it the worse it got. Do I have the early stages of dementia? Is my brain oozing out of my head? Am I going to have to go live with one of my kids because I keep setting the house house on fire? Are they going to find me wandering nekkid, in my nightgown, walking up and down the street talking to my dead grandmother...more so than I do now...but where people can see?? I was scared/I am scared. I don't know what is happening to me. Is there a drug that I can take to make this better or am I just old?

So many question to ponder over this. The good thing is half the time I can't remember what I was thinking about so it all kind of just slips under the rug. Now, if you would please, keep a watch out and if you see a woman wandering around in her nightgown talking to her dead grandmother please point her in the direction of Illinois. Someone might just be looking for her.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

A New Form of Exercise

Old age has hit and I am losing my mind. Today I got up and dressed and was at work at the Bookstore at 2 PM. The bad thing with this is that I was FOUR hours early. I could have sworn I was supposed to be in at 2. I was wrong. Well I headed back to the house thinking that I could have a nice relaxing afternoon before I had to go back in. I was on the phone with my mother trying to explain that I never ever laughed at her offer for me to come live with her...another story for another time...when there was a persistent knock at my door. I thought it was the boy coming over to say hi to his mother. I was wrong. It was the NB Police at my door.

This scared the living bageebies out of me. I just knew the boy had been hurt. The not so nice officer...nope it wasn't my knight with the riding lawn mower....asked if I owned a blue Honda. Well I don't but my son who no longer lives with me does. He said well it is registered to this house and it is broken down up on cedar street and you have until 6 to move it or I will have it towed. Welll thank you very much Mr. Policeman. Thanks for giving me 2 hours to drag the beast home. I called the boy. No answer. Do you know how pissed off a person can get when they are frantic trying to find someone and that someone will not answer the phone. Let me tell you, pretty miffed off. I called, I called, I called and still no answer. I sent a text. No answer.

So this is where I am a bad mother. I don't know where my kid lives. I know the apartments but I'm not sure which one is his. I just knew the boy was asleep and ignoring me so I went on a hunt to find him. Thank god the apartment complex is not huge. I knew that he took one of my window fans so all I had to do was find that fan and I had him. I walked all around the apartments. I must have looked like some crazy stalker loon but I didn't care they were going to tow the kids car. Did I mention that the kid has no job and if they tow the car there is a good chance he wouldn't get it back? Did I mention that he just put $500 into the car? Did I mention that the car used to be my car and I'm still rather fond of it? So call me crazy for trying to get this taken care of.

Finally I found a the dang window fan and one of the neighbors was nice enough to tell me which door went to the top apartment. I beat on the door and no one answer. I beat some more and no none answer. Finally a construction worker that was over at complex came by to see what the noise was. I told him the whole story and he even beat on the door for me. Then he took it a step further, he jiggled the door handle and said, "Did you know the door was open?" I told him to stand right there that he was my witness that I was not stealing anything and in I went. The boy was not there.

Can I just say how mad I was right at that moment. So I started around town to all his friends. No Boy. I went home and looked at his MySpace to see if I could track him that way. NO BOY. I called a gazillion more times and no answer. I went through his room looking for the spare key and had no luck so I did the only thing I could think to do. I went back over to the apartment, opened the door, marched in, when to his room and took his keys off the floor of his bedroom. Oh yes, lets add breaking and entering to my list of crimes.

I head back to the car feeling a bit proud that I managed to solve this problem. I get in his car and try and turn it on only to discover it will not start. The dumbass had left the lights on and the battery was dead. Now about this time the boy finally called me. I was frantic trying to get his car in neutral. Did you know that if you cant start the car then you cant put it in neutral? It's true. The boy did not know why the battery was dead and said that he had left the car on the side of the road...he was about 5 blocks from home...because he had run out of gas.

I cussed him. I cusses my child right there on the side of the road in 90 degree weather. I then asked him where he was. Oh he was at the lake. I cussed him again. I said words that I made up and cussed him some more. I really flipped my lid when he asked, "So what do you want me to do?" Boy, I want you to have a wonderful time and mommy will take care of this just to prove a point. And prove a point I did. I managed to push the damn car 4 blocks before I almost passed out. I would have made it home but I was pushing it up a f'in hill, in 90 degree weather. I honestly thought I was going to meet Jesus. I was so mad that Jesus would have sent me on down to hell just so he didn't have to listen to me anymore.

I did have a couple people stop and help me for a block or so. Thank you nice people. Sorry that I was wheezing so loud that I couldn't thank you proper like. Finally I gave in and called a neighbor to see of she had a truck that we could push the car with. She didn't but she did come to my rescue. She and her husband came out and managed to get the hood up on the car and to get the car jumped. We got gas in it and managed to get the thing home before 6:00. I managed to get my heart rate back down and the red faded from my face and I was only 30 minutes late for work. Another good thing that came out of all this was I got my house keys back from the boys key chain. There will be no more coming to moms when I'm not home.

The one thing that I couldn't stop was my uterus hurting. It hurts because my kid didn't give a flip that his mom was out pushing his car trying to save it from getting towed. It hurt because the baby boy that I raised is long gone and I don't really know the man that took his place. It hurts because what I thought was my family is gone and today I realized just how alone in this world I am....

and I don't like any of it one bit.

Why Is It....

Why, tell me why is it that when I don't have to be at work at 8:00 AM that I am wide awake, bright eyes and bushy tailed, ready for the new day? Usually at 5 AM I am crying in my pillow because I do not want to roll out of bed. I think a nap is in order later this morning.

Why is it that when the boy comes back to the house he leaves it in a mess? I walked in to the computer being left on, a plate on the couch, the couch cushion pulled off the couch, the remote on the floor, a pot on the stove with chicken water in it, the remains of one of my lunch tv dinners on the counter and a pair of dirty socks by the computer desk. I love him to death but some days I could strangle him. I really need to get his room cleaned out so he wont be tempted to come back to the house. I wonder how his roommates are dealing with his slobbyness.

Why is it that the dog wants to wander? Why can she just not go outside, pee, poop, and come back in? Why does she feel the need to go check on the neighbors? Seriously dog, the neighbors are fine just get your ass back in the house.

Why is it that I have a new bad habit which involves forgetting to put pants on when I go outside? Ok, I am really a nekkid gal. When I get home I strip down to nothing and usually just throw a t-shirt on if I feel the need. Now the t-shirt is long and huge so all the pieces parts are covered so when I do take the trash out nothing is winking in the wind. I have also been known to let the dog out with no pants on as well as walk to the mail box. So far so good I haven't been caught doing this and honestly at my age I just don't give a dame. We are going to chalk it up to being the weird old lady on the corner with all the cats!!

Why is it that the herd has to bully one of it's members? My cats are awful. I have one poor little mama kitty that they are all so mean to. I don't know what their problem is/are but they need to chill or I'm going to start swatting butts over it. It's ok Mama kitty I have enough love for you to cover all the mean that they give you. I sneak her pounce...hmmm maybe this is why they are mean to her.

Why is it that on my day off or when I'm up early and can enjoy a nice, peaceful, relaxing sit outside it rains? I swear every time I look out the window now it's raining. Which does remind me if it ever stops I do need to clean the gutters out. I think I saw a tiny little tree growing in the back one and this is never good.

Why is it that The Phantom continues to piss me off? Yeah, yeah I know the answer to this one...because I allow him to. One would think that after 8 damn years I would learn that this is not going to happen. One would think that I would just walk away. One can assume that I'm not so smart. I'm back to being hard hearted and mean because if I don't he is going to destroy me.

Why is it that I can never come up with a good ending for my posts? I really do struggle with this one. I want a clever ending, one that ties it all together and even leaves a whimsical chuckle at the very end. I'm all about the chuckles. This never happens. I feel that with most of my post I just leave it there dangling or that I overkill it and it comes out bland. What to do what to do?

So with that question I think I will end it here. Sure there are more Why Is It questions but a girl can only do so much without getting finger cramps. ~dangle~'s just laying there waiting to end eloquently. Since it's not going to happen I'm leaving y'all with...Goood Morning World!! I hope it's a beautiful day!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Tick Tock

Do you see the time stamp? Do you know it's 2:30 in the morning? Do you know that I have to be up at 5:30 so I don't miss the train? What the hell is your problem? Why did you wake me up? Was what you had to say so important? Did you just need to go to the bathroom and wanted me up with you? Was I snoring and keeping you awake?

Is this why you started barking and scared the bejeezies out of me at 2:30 in the morning? Dog, you are lucky you are cute or you would be dead instead of just exisiled to the end of the bed.

Yes, that's right, Ms. Coco decided that she would have a barking fit this morning. I have not a clue what she was after but by the time I was up and out of bed it was long gone. I was a bad doggie mom and just opened the door and let her out to go pee. This was a mistake. The dog just slowly wandered out of the yard. She would not come back. I opened the door to go get her and the cat took off. Little f'er.

So there I was, outside in my ripped up t-shirt, no shoes and no pants. We are talking NO PANTS here people. One wrong move and it's a full moon tonight. Now the cat is a quick little bastard and he takes me on a lively romp down the road and up on some strangers porch. Finally I caught him. Wow, that's what that tail is for. Needless to say the cat was PISSED off at me using his tail as a handle. Tough, pussy cat, come back when I call. Now, as Im getting the cat, the dog is wandering all over the damn place. She is having a wonderful time. Can I mention here that at 2:30 AM the grass is VERY wet and its dark out so you dont know just what you have managed to step in while you are trying to avoid the claws of a very pissed off, hissing, ball of fur in your arms?

The good news is we are all back inside and all no worse for the wear. I don't think the moon peeked out but I could be wrong about that I will have to check the grapevine tomorrow to see if my romp was spotted. Now for the bad news....did you know that a romp through wet grass pretty much wakes a person right on up? Oh yes, it does. Geeesh it should be a fun Tuesday in hell. I really think that I should get a half day for having a midnight wrangle!

Night all...Im off to give it a try....or to read the soap forum.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

June 1st Ramble

Can you believe that it is already June? I swear it seems like the year just started. Sometimes I wonder if I would notice that time passing like it does if I didn't work at the bookstore. I seem to gage my life by the new books coming out or the events that interest how I lead into this one?. THE EVENT is getting closer and I am freaking out over it. I want to do a good job but what I want more is for the people that love this book to have a good time. I want them to have fun with it but I also want them coming away with a new outlook on the book or to have something pointed out to them that they didn't think of before....and a cupcake, we cant forget the cupcakes.

So far I have my trivia down. Most of it is easy stuff but I do have a couple of bonus questions in there that are hard. I'm started to go back through the book and mark it up with my questions. Amazing how a highlighter and some dental floss can help you sort through all the information. The bad part is when I highlight something it's usually because I have a question about it. There are things that I cant wait to ask just because I don't understand them in the book. Not to mention I really want to see how old I am *L*

Have I mentioned I'm terrified of this Book Discussion. I'm so scared they are going to blow me out of the water with it. These people LOVE this book. I'm started to like it but I dont love it. I can understand the love of it but I'm not there yet. Maybe I'm looking for them to help me over the edge...maybe.

The one thing I am really excited about is the scavenger hunt. It's going to ROCK. I was a bit worried about the store being torn up but I think I can control it. I'm going to have clip boards, a list and RULES. I just need the Title, the author, and the location of the book. Do not bring the book to me. The hardest thing is to not use my trivia for the scavenger hunt too. Arrrgghh I need to get off this blog and get to highlighting again. Obsessive?? A bit *L*

Most of the weekend at the bookstore I walked around and thought of questions. This was a good thing because I really enjoyed myself this weekend. It felt back to normal. I had a few moments where I was snarky but I worked it out. Actually, I didn't work it out I was just a bitch and stayed where I was. Nothing bad happened and nothing really came back to bite me on the ass so all in all it was ok. Funny thing is I was happy to be there. I think it had more to do with the fact that I didn't have to work all damn day and that they had me at both reg and out on the floor. I do like that. I like wandering around and helping people. I like picking up piles of books and bringing them to info so we can sort them and put them back out on the shelf. Ummm...ok I would really appreciate if people would just put the books back themselves but you cant have everything.

OH and my exciting thing that happened was that I met Heather Brewer. She is one of St. Louis' local authors. She was so nice!! I could kick myself in the ass for not catching her signing and book reading. She did make me laugh and I did get some vamp red and blue!!! Of course I have to give a shameless plug to her I have high hopes that she is going to make it back over the river for our Book Discussion. She does love the books and I would like to hear what she had to say about Twilight.

OK, I'm off for now. I really wanted to be in bed by 9:30 but the cat decided that he would rather run the neighborhood than to come home so I could sleep. He is now in the house and I'm give out from chasing him. Night all....